urgent care

I'm really just realizing how bad I am at avoiding things I'd rather not deal with. I forge a good excuse to put something on the back burner and then go on about my life.

Now, I'm sitting on hospital paper in an Urgent Care room waiting to see a man about a horse. JK. I just needed a little humor right now.

I'm in Urgent Care for my health and the only thing I can think of is how I'm not at work and how I'm keeping my mom from work (because she brought me).

As I'm text-typing this on my phone, I think I also realize that I'm thinking about those other two things instead of focusing on the problem because I'm so used to ignoring myself and pushing to do stuff because I should.

Like, I shouldn't be here. I should be doing this. Or I should be able to do this. But honestly this is where my ass should be.

~

Post-visit: I feel out of control

I don't like doctors visits. I thought maybe since I kind of knew what issue I was having, worst case scenario they would talk to me about my blood pressure and prescribe me antibiotics. I would get the prescription, go home, rest, and be done. Spend at least $70 

I went in. First of all, doctors and IT people may as well be related. They are cold. And I get why, but it doesn't negate the fact and how it makes me feel.

My nurse was cool, receptionist was cool. Although the receptionist did tell me my visit would be $180. And, fuck me, but ohmygah. I have it, but I was not expecting to spend it.

Anyway, the doctor. She was nice but kind of reserved. She did the check up, told me there was nothing she could do, and let me know they would have to refer me to a dermatologist. 

Logically, that makes sense but also why the hell did you agree to see me then but also I guess at least now I'll be going to see a dermatologist after all. I knew it was something I would have to do, but I didn't expect it to be this soon and I didn't expect to basically pay for a fucking referral.

Emotionally, I legit cried in the office because I was so sad. I'm crying right now. Mostly because even feeling sick, I thought I knew whaty recovery would look like. But it's nothing like I could've even imagined. Also, I didn't want to be in a doctor's office because every since my last visit, it's been triggering. So I was trying to keep it together, but then I couldn't and I was literally saying "ok, I'm not gonna cry. Ok, maybe just a little" because that's just how I am. And I was also upset because that was my first time telling a doctor who I didn't even know about the hair pulling. Then we had a small discussion about my plan I'd had in place in regards to all that.

She then asked me if I was going to hurt myself. Which upset me even more. My first thought was "no bitch I'm just sad" and my second thought was "but thanks for doing your job and checking in.

All in all, they were all nice. I'm really upset because I feel like:

- I did this to myself

- I paid $180 for nothing

- My car is stuck at work

- I don't know if and when I'll be well enough to get it home

- I'm supposed to be holding down the fort at work tomorrow so my bosses can go out of town

- I have no idea what this recovery will look like and 

- I'm scared

I'm scared because my body has benched me without my permission (if that makes sense).

Have I pulled since then? Just a little. Honestly, I'm scared to because it's basically how I got here in the first place.

I do feel lighter after writing all this but I still feel just stuck. I'm in limbo and I should be able to do all this stuff I feel like needs to get done and I can't right now because my health is important. I'm important.

But I'm sad because I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my bosses' plans for the weekend and I really don't want to do that.

Today, I realized that I still struggle with putting myself first even when my health is not 100%. Pushing myself to drive to work, pushing myself to work until 1pm.

But I did pull back when the time came, so props to me. I called my mom for help, I went to the doctor for help, I was vulnerable, I felt my feelings when I would normally bury them, and I didn't log in to work remotely. I'm laying in bed begrudgingly watching Netflix while finishing this post.

I'd call this a win overall. I just really hope I'm ok and these aren't the last words I'll ever write. (Not because of my mental, but because of my physical. I'd like to not be hospitalized or become seriously ill.)