farewell to the voices of anxiety

 Turns out, I have scalp psoriasis.

Not saying once I get it under control, the pulling will stop BUT it does give me some comfort to know alot of what I was feeling when I'd start to pull my hair wasn't just in my head.

Before I start pulling, I would literally feel my scalp being itchy and irritated and this entire time I was thinking "it's just my brain tricking me into picking and pulling at my hair." Then I'd beat myself up over and over again, stress out even more, and start pulling with no end in sight.

I've also started medication for my scalp along with this NAC supplement that the doctor suggested we try out to see if it helps. People have reviewed and done a few studies on NAC having this side affect of helping people like me curb those habits. And strangely, it actually has.

I am not telling anyone what they should and shouldn't put into their bodies because I'm not a doctor (duh) but also, NAC's intended use is not for hair pulling, skin picking, etc. AND external actions like those are usually caused by an internal battle and/or emotion. Seek help in the form of a certified professional. 

I am telling you my experience. And my experience is a result of being in therapy and my body forcing me to see a doctor. In my experience, I have been on the supplements for about a month. The best way I can describe it is hair pulling is more of a choice than a compulsion. 

I still pull my hair because it's my failsafe way of coping when I'm in some form of distress internally. But usually I would pull and pull and pull and want to stop but felt like I couldn't. I just had to keep pulling until I didn't. I can't tell you how I would stop but it was a battle that filled me with so much sadness and regret. And the guilt and shame would eat away at me so much that I would start all over again, pulling. And with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, the pulling had gone from a 10 to a 5. Which may not sound like a huge improvement, but anyone suffering like me will understand how big that is.

After being on this supplement (that fucking reeks like fish left in a car on a hot summer day) I have had more control over my pulling AND all my anxious voices have been gone. (That's also something I'm having to deal with but I'll get to that at some point. Maybe I'll post my therapy exercise.) When I can't talk myself down or if I forget to check in with myself when I'm upset, my hand still goes straight to my head and tugs. BUT as soon as I notice it, I pull my hands away and check in. Or I pull my hands away and make them busy. Afterwards, I don't feel bad, I don't guilt trip myself. I give myself grace, take a deep breath, and evaluate my mental in real-time.

And it's been great. The only downside so far is that I was jarred this week. I realized that I've been feeling weird. I thought it was the Delta 8 gummies or my scalp was flaring up bad again. On my way to therapy or maybe it was on the couch, I realized that I can't hear my anxiety any more. My weird, scary feeling is/was my freedom. Freedom from the voices of fear that would weigh me down and push me around every single day. I'd gotten so conditioned to my chaos that my peace made me uncomfortable. And maybe this will be my therapy homework-- the letter confronting this feeling. (I'm also slightly high right now and want to take full advantage of me now being stuck to this computer without a way or reason to procrastinate.)

I've tie it all up this way.

Before taking this supplement, get a therapist and have a few sessions. Get a healthy form of mental health help established before making the jump. Please. I was always afraid I'd being stuck with a heap of anxiety my entire life. I'd do anything (safe and within reason) to make it go away. Well, I am equally afraid that feeling this much freedom without having someone to guide me through would have caused me to self-destruct.

I cried when I realized that as much as I hated my anxiety, it was my friend. Toxic, for sure. So maybe not my friend, but it's this thing I'd unknowingly bonded with. Imagine you always had this tattoo. A drunken-mistake tattoo. You've spent your entire life covering it up so no one knew it was there, no one could judge you for it. Now, you've finally gotten to a place where you can afford to have it removed. I'm talking removal so good, no one would ever notice anything was there. It'd be a faint memory. You do it, it's done. But the next work day, you wake up and you're pick out your clothes, thinking about what to wear. Then you remember, oh-- I don't have to cover my tattoo anymore. And you pull down the shirt you've had in the back of your closet. Then you're in the bathroom doing last looks before leaving the house and think, shoot I forgot to cover up my tattoo. You grab your makeup, go for the tattoo, and remember it's not there anymore. Then all throughout the day, you find yourself making sure the way you move doesn't show the tattoo before catching yourself and remembering it's gone. And it just happens over and over again in different scenarios. Taking a shower, walking by a mirror, going for a swim, etc.

You get so used to this nuisance, you almost miss it when it's gone. Because you don't know life without it.

I didn't know what to do without my anxiety. How do I know if I'm making the right decision? Have I made sure? Do I need to worry about this? Should I be more concerned? It scared me. 

Since then, I've been working on coping in those moments where fear tries to grip me. Which honestly explains my current flare up, to be honest. But I'm learning. My new therapist (another story for another day) has already sent some tools my way to help deal. So, I'm learning and I'm doing the work I can.

I am going to miss my anxiety. Not for all the turmoil she caused, by for where we've gotten in my life together. I know she was I weight holding me back, but I've gotten so far with this weight. It's my toxic friend.

I'm going to try and remember life without this weight, just means I can move at the same rate and get even further.