what living looks like

I am doing so much better, health-wise. I did find a specialist doctor who confirmed everything I was thinking. She even helped out with two other problems, one of those I didn't even know I had. Overall, I have learned how emotional states dictate mental states which can dictate physical states. It was scary experiencing my symptoms go from bad to worse all because of my emotions. Fear would turn into panic which escalated the symptoms that scared me. It was a never-ending cycle. Which means I was coping in overtime. I checked in with myself constantly. I comforted myself when necessary. I rested when I really needed it. In short, a lot of grace was given. During that time, I actually discovered two coping mechanisms that help me out when I'm having trouble with pulling.  Having the doctor confirm the thoughts that used to make me catastrophized just made me feel seen. They made me feel safe again. Like I could trust myself. I have so many times where I think I know something,...

I'm really just realizing how bad I am at avoiding things I'd rather not deal with. I forge a good excuse to put something on the back burner and then go on about my life. Now, I'm sitting on hospital paper in an Urgent Care room waiting to see a man about a horse. JK. I just needed a little humor right now. I'm in Urgent Care for my health and the only thing I can think of is how I'm not at work and how I'm keeping my mom from work (because she brought me). As I'm text-typing this on my phone, I think I also realize that I'm thinking about those other two things instead of focusing on the problem because I'm so used to ignoring myself and pushing to do stuff because I should. Like, I shouldn't be here. I should be doing this . Or I should be able to do this . But honestly this is where my ass should be. ~ Post-visit: I feel out of control I don't like doctors visits. I thought maybe since I kind of knew what issue I was having, worst case...