what growth looks like

Growth looks unreal.

So unreal, I legit have started to feel like I'm disassociating sometimes. I'll have a moment where the new me goes against my normal reactions (in a positive way) and it sends my mind off. Like, I drift away from myself almost like I'm on the outside looking in to make sure it's still me.

And maybe it looks unreal because I never thought of it as a possibility for me. Maybe a part of me just assumed I'd stay the same so everyone is comfortable and I'm sort of comfortable and that would equate to an easy life.

Growth looks scary.

Allowing myself to live more freely and open myself up to the people around me makes me feel vulnerable. And, as we discussed previously, vulnerability mean I'm unprotected. And being unprotected is scary as shit.

How will people react? What will they think? Will they reject my growth? What if there's no longer room for me to stay where I feel comfortable? What if I outgrow my space? Where do I go then? Will there be a place for me? Will it be safe?

comedic break: *cue "Into the Unknown from Frozen* 

 

Growth looks like vulnerability.

Maybe I'll come back to this one. Issa doozy. I would suggest reading/listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. (Good suggestion from my therapist)

I've learned from her vulnerability isn't oversharing. Oversharing is a natural cop-out. And her marble method for rationalizing who you can trust changed my thought process and helped me make sense of when I can be vulnerable. 

Growth looks like loss.

Loss of everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I'd keep forever. Loss of my comfort zone, loss of relationships. Loss of old goals that evolve into better ones. Loss of  playing it safe. Loss of a version of myself that's gotten me this far. Loss of my safe space. Loss of my hiding place.

How do I show her gratitude before parting ways with that version of me?

Loss of unrealistic expectations from others. Loss of giving myself to those who don't deserve me. Loss of making myself small for other's comfort. Loss of users and abusers. Loss of sucking it up for others who don't care. Loss of laying down to be stepped on. 

Growth looks nothing like I imagined.

I will say the traveling sucks. Very rough sometimes. But I wouldn't trade the it for anything.