good, terrible day

I had a good, terrible day today.

I'll try to break this down.

I sent out this document thinking I had broken everything down and expecting a few changes here and there. Please call or email me if you have any questions. My thoughts were: this will be fine; if she needs me, she'll reach out.

Well, a few days later I see a email sent after hours with my "big" managers CC'd about how this other person doesn't understand why I was missing so much information and she can do this job if it's something she needs to take over. She was basically formally bitching and making me look bad.

First and foremost, I was pissed. Why the fuck would you make this a bigger deal when I literally asked you to add any changes or updates and talk to me about any questions since I created the chart and it's my responsibility.

In hindsight, I immediately realized I should have explained better and double-checking my work before sending it to her. And I should have called the first day I hadn't heard anything from her.

But also, I feel like she was such a fucking bitch for the way she reacted. Logically, I can understand why she would be upset and confused. Logically, I would understand if she had a shit-ton of questions. What I don't understand is why she never stopped at any point where she felt like "hmm I see a lot of inconsistencies, let me just let her know before I keep going"

Which, I've talked to her since then and she presented nicer in person (of course).

BUT don't CC my bosses and jump stupid with me online. I hate that shit. It's fucking dumb to me.

She could've easily communicated all this info to me but here she is crying and tattling in an email chain.

BUT I'm washing that. I have washed it. It happened. I did what I could. Could've done more, but I can't change the past. So, I just know from now on to gather and lay aaaaaall my edges before anything.

Do I trust her? Not at all. I've heard things and, now that I've experienced them, I have learned things.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUT lol

This was a good, bad day.

I've been micro-dosing Delta 8 for a few days and it's really helped me mentally. I forget how busy my brain is, how much noise it makes until I experience silence up there.

I had a bad day. I'd gone to therapy after I realized the pulling had gotten so bad I officially have like a kiwi-sized patch of hair missing on one side. I knew when I was doing it and since then, it'd declined. But I didn't realize I was also hurting my thumb. I freaking sprained it pulling my fucking hair out. Sooooooo I understand hair pulling is a coping mechanism. I get it. I may have to write about that one day. But when I realized I sprained my thumb, I kind of knew what it was from. Then, I checked my hair and sure enough, bald spot. Which would usually send me spiraling (aka catastrophizing) and reeling in guilt and shame. But I just thought "It's done. I pulled it because I needed to. I'm doing better at down-shifting (getting out of the spiral). What can I do for my hair?" I ordered some hair vitamins and drops to stimulate growth.

She suggested it may be OCD-related, which immediately clicked when she described it. And she gave me the tools to find a medical doctor to see about my thumb and my possible OCD. We'll get to that later lol.

That weekend was rough. I woke up just not wanting to push myself to do anything, fun or lazy. I just felt dark and defeated. I'll try to cut it short:

I bought Delta 8 products, starting a small dose, shared my pulling with my mom, tried calling the doctor (who was closed).

ANYWHO: my good, bad day.

I was able to handle myself a lot better given the stress of this morning. I did beat myself up, I did feel disappointed, I was upset and angry, BUT

I didn't pull my hair out. I did catastrophize. I did go through the motions a few times, but I was able to stop myself and redirect my thought pattern. I also had the amazing support of my teammates. Did I get chewed out? A little lol. But they also took on a little bit of "as a team, what can we all do better" I really appreciated that. I also talked to that woman today. Did she CC everyone AND THE GOTDAMN OWNER afterwards, you bet your ass she did.

But I'm beginning to really lean into "I can't control how everything 'looks'" Which typing it out now is hilariously ironic, given my past-time. But it's true. I can't control how everything looks. But I can control (for the most part) my reality based on the decisions that I make.

AND I still went to the movies today. The old me would've eaten McDonald's, took a shower, and gotten in bed.

I also gave myself a two-tear cry in the bathroom at work. Sounds crazy? I know. But it's growth.

So as much as I hated all the things, I really had a pretty decent day today. I'm glad I got to experience a bad day on Delta 8 so I can feel how it translates when not everything goes my way.