love and other emotions

 Prepare to be confusion.

I know people read this, but I don't know if said people are repeat readers who actually follow along with these pieces of my life.

(I just had a funny thought. I started this blog to replace therapy because I couldn't afford it. Now, I can afford therapy and go at least twice a month, she actually promotes this blog writing. Cue Alanis Morissette.)

I'm pretty sure I'm skipping a few in between details, so if you are a reader who keeps up with all this stuff I post, so sorry. I just have to get this out.

I think I may really like-like my Dom. Jesus Christ Almighty.

I've been trying to be more in tune with my emotions because, as it turns out, I basically had no relationship with them. So not only is this still a strange phenomenon for me, this isn't what either of us set out to do. It was just supposed to be sex and even after watching almost every chick flick in existence and avidly reading romance, I still somehow have managed to look like an idiot.

I'd been thinking about it for about half the year now, and I didn't think I could actually be in love with him. Just typing that makes my head spin and I want to delete it. Not because of him; because of me. My internal dialogue was always "Do I love him? What? No. There's no way. I don't even know his full name. I can't even tell you much about his family."

Well fast forward to last month and I now know his full name and where he lives because I shipped a gift to him. (Don't worry. This isn't a Catfish gift. It was legit.)

Did I Google him? No.

Did I Google his address? No. 

Why? Because I don't want to learn anything I can't unlearn.

The thing that really sent me was his response after. I told him I'd dropped it off and he said "Love you"

Let me tell you right now, no man, no guy has ever said those words to me. Not only that, I'd already been thinking about it so he's just unknowingly taped something in the back of my mind.

And what did I do? I looked at the message, drove home, and then tried to figure out if I should say something and/or what I wanted to say.

He basically confirmed that it was just another version of a strong thank you. Given our cultural differences, I took that at face value.

Was I still freaked out? You bet your ass.

Since then, he's been very friendly. We've talked more and instead of just treating our interactions like polite small talk just so I don't get too involved, I am reading into everything and getting too involved. And I'm not worried about his intentions but I am terrified of my response now that I'm no longer ignoring how I feel in every aspect of my life.

We had a play time a few weeks ago for the first time in a while and we had play time again today and today really did my head in. Both sessions have been different compared to our normal play time. He's commanded me to edge very little and cum over and over and over and over again. And instead of the actual short and sweet catch-up we play before we play, we had an actual talk today. Like, a conversation that we would usually message each other we had on the phone for the first time in like a little over two years. And he confessed his wet dream to me today which really scared me. Not because it didn't involve me, but because after messaging him late one night, I had a dream so dirty I woke up with a jolt because my orgasm felt so real. I went to work that day and it felt like I'd been used all morning. I haven't had a wet dream in so fucking long and this one took the entire cake.

That connection. Signs are there. Something is different. And fuck me, I really like-like this man. And now I have the inevitable feeling that my heart will, in fact, be broken at some point.

We even talked about my worrying about other shoes to drop in other areas of my life and he encouraged me not to do that and enjoy where I am. And fuck me because I know I can never know the future for anything in life that involves outside forces, but I am scared.

I am scared of three things:

What if I actually do love him?

What if he rejects me?

What if he doesn't reject me?