gonna have to rethink some things

I'm gonna have to rethink somethings.

In my journey of putting myself first, I've had to practice calling others out. Politely, of course.

Yet and still, I'm gonna have to do some rethinking, specific in regards to my closest friend.

I've been thinking about it for a while and I'm honestly considering taking a breather from her. It's really been a build up of alot of things, majority of them involving communication and responsibility.

If I'm being honest, it's something I have overlooked actively because I understand not everyone is going to do what I would in their shoes. So I'm not looking for a carbon copy version of me, but I am looking for someone who can actively learn from what they do and evolve beyond that for better. For the year's I have known her, some things I would have guessed to be either zero to minimal still seem to be full-blown character traits.

Ok. Let's jump from general to specific.

She's been planning to move for some time now. According to the original plan, she was gone last month and so I planned around that. I knew she'd want to do something for her birthday and because I expected her to be gone, I left that weekend open. I asked what she was planning to do to celebrate and she didn't know yet. Cool. That's fine.

Well, the closer we get, I haven't heard from her. So I texted her to in two months in advance and asked if she was doing anything for her birthday. No response.

I took it upon myself to opt out of my company Christmas party and still leave that weekend open. I didn't want to go to the party and then later on find out she did plan to do something and I look bad.

The closer we got, when I did get her on the phone, she'd gotten an additional job, she'd extended her lease, and I don't remember what if at that point she had planned to do anything still.

The week before her birthday, she calls and asks what I'm doing that weekend because she wanted to do a game night and slumber party thing. By then, I'd had a death in the family and, even though we weren't extremely close out of respect for a few things, we decided to go to the funeral on her birthday weekend. In that conversation, she did the cordial "regret, check in, etc." In the end, she asks if I had to go to the funeral or could I stay for her birthday. I didn't say anything about how off-putting the question was, but instead just answered the question "no, I'm going to the funeral."

Before the call ended, she did mention that we could get together the Wednesday before her birthday or the weekend we'd already planned to go out of town together. I forgot to say yes or no to that so I texted her about it saying we could do something that Wednesday.

The next time we talked, she mentioned she wanted to go the dinner that Wednesday. I said cool, we can catch up and I could update her on my D/s situation.

Next thing I knew, I was getting a text typed in group message jargon but sent only to me. I immediately thought "no way this is a dinner party. She would have said something." Instead of catastrophizing, I decided to "prima facie" (which looking back now, I think I did it counterproductively). I decided that I was probably overthinking, and based on our last conversation, surely this was not going to be a dinner party.

The day of, I call when I'm on my way and she said she was getting her makeup done. Immediately, I knew that this was, in fact, a dinner party. So I tried to talk myself down all while she's talking to me so I can at least try to figure out how I want to address things.

UPDATE:

Everything I first wrote was the night of me going through the triggering event: her snapping at me.

I don't even feel like typing, thinking, or rehashing all of us. But it's either that or pull my hair out. So here we fucking are. (Swearing helps)

I already know she what to expect when it comes to her, but her communication has been slacking and her ability to make decisions that include me without me hit the final nerve this past weekend.

I don't even know where to start it's so annoying, so stupid, so damn frustrating.

I think I would match rather wait until therapy to talk about it again. I literally just took a break in writing to pull my hair out. Fuck me.

I will make these conclusions to reflect back on:

1. I KNOW I CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN TO EXPRESS YOURSELF, BUT I WOULD RATHER US TALK ABOUT IT AND ADDRESS IT IN THEMOMENT WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS
1. you keep saying two things that both, together, contradict each other. And, I did both of those things anyway. as soon as it happened, I addressed it and you snapped at me. I meant to call you yesterday and was busy. So now we are talking about it now, 2 days from us getting back. 

I lied.

I'm stopping here because I really need my therapist to help me go over what happened. It's taking everything in me to write this and I don't know why. Or maybe I do and don't want to come to the conclusion on my own.

Note to self:

• show my therapist the image I took
• I think our friendship turned from 2 different scenarios: I told her a vanilla-version of the story about my D/s relationship & the morning I woke up from dead sleep and felt strongly compelled to text her about God's Covenant (not knowing until later that she had broken her almost year long abstinence)
• I know I've been working on putting myself first, respectfully, which means reassessing old boundaries and setting new ones. I feel like I'm building this new house that's warm and homey and everything I would need to make the people I invite in feel safe. But in order for them to come in and enjoy the amenities, I need them to agree to certain house rules to ensure my space is respected. The only problem is, I assumed the people who I already trusted enough to give a key to my old house would be guaranteed a key to my new one. I'm realizing that's not the case and it's hard to process.
• I feel like I already knew this. I know I already know this. I've just done it a few years ago, right before we moved. I lost my church home, my pastors's leadership, my boss who I thought was a friend, my sister, and now possibly my closest friend. I understand that in putting myself first, I will lost relationships. I just did not expect it to be these relationships.
• I may just cry this entire session.