what living looks like

I think I've figured out my house analogy: I don't feel safe. I'm doing so much self development. And it's helping but the downside is all the things I used to do to make me feel safe aren't viable if I want to keep growing. I'm scared because I feel vulnerable. I'm scared because vulnerability feels unsafe. It feels unsafe because I have opened myself up to the world in a way I don't recall me ever doing.  I don't know how to protect myself and that scares me. And now I'm tearing up. I'm scared because if I can't even self-soothe enough to keep from pulling my hair out, how am I supposed to protect and defend myself when the time comes.  I don't know if I can rely on this new updated version of myself to keep me safe. I don't know what to do and it makes me feel hopeless. How old is too old to start back sleeping with a bear? Thinking back, I used to always carry one of three things (if I couldn't carry them all): two stuffed...

 Prepare to be confusion. I know people read this, but I don't know if said people are repeat readers who actually follow along with these pieces of my life. (I just had a funny thought. I started this blog to replace therapy because I couldn't afford it. Now, I can afford therapy and go at least twice a month, she actually promotes this blog writing. Cue Alanis Morissette.) I'm pretty sure I'm skipping a few in between details, so if you are a reader who keeps up with all this stuff I post, so sorry. I just have to get this out. I think I may really like-like my Dom. Jesus Christ Almighty. I've been trying to be more in tune with my emotions because, as it turns out, I basically had no relationship with them. So not only is this still a strange phenomenon for me, this isn't what either of us set out to do. It was just supposed to be sex and even after watching almost every chick flick in existence and avidly reading romance, I still somehow have managed to look...

I'm gonna have to rethink somethings. In my journey of putting myself first, I've had to practice calling others out. Politely, of course. Yet and still, I'm gonna have to do some rethinking, specific in regards to my closest friend. I've been thinking about it for a while and I'm honestly considering taking a breather from her. It's really been a build up of alot of things, majority of them involving communication and responsibility. If I'm being honest, it's something I have overlooked actively because I understand not everyone is going to do what I would in their shoes. So I'm not looking for a carbon copy version of me, but I am looking for someone who can actively learn from what they do and evolve beyond that for better. For the year's I have known her, some things I would have guessed to be either zero to minimal still seem to be full-blown character traits. Ok. Let's jump from general to specific. She's been planning to move for s...