what living looks like

 I had my first crazy dream in a while (that I've written down). Today I took a nap and had a 2 of dreams in one swoop. DREAM 1 My oldest sister and the one right under me came to our house. Our house in my dream didn't feel like our house now, but also felt similar. (I know.) But any who, my two sisters came over and the oldest brought her fish that didn't live in of water. That's right.  It looked just like a crucian carp fish. Made my skin crawl. It like, had a bed and just flopped around. And flopping is how it got around the house. Creepy as hell. Before I left to run an errand and told the sister under me to find the fish (cause it had been flopping around everywhere) and put it away so it doesn't get lost. We get back-- fish is no where to be found. So by the time I get to my room and settle in, it's still bothering me that I can't find this fish. The last thing I want is to lose a fish and it die somewhere and stink up the house. A part of me knows m...

 I absolutely miss him. Fuck. My body misses what he makes me feel. Every time my phone vibrates, I get turned on hoping it's something dirty from him. I don't think I'll ever be able to clamp my nipples again and not be reminded of him. When I touch myself, I imagine him telling me what to do. I miss him telling me to strip. I miss the few times we did a mid-day appetizer. I miss him do that one specific thing I like and then chuckling at my horny response. I miss all the things. Hours of play time that fly by, him bringing me to the edge over and over again. All of it. And even though we never share a ton of important stuff, he is still one of the only people that knows all aspects of me. Funny, sad, pissed, mad, disappointed, discouraged, needy. He's the only person, only man, I've ever begged for anything in my life. Ever. I'm just really gonna miss that part of our relationship. Alot. RIP to our sexual relations. That is all.

 I no longer have a Dom. And because he ended things during the Carbon Monoxide Chaos, I really didn't understand that until about a week ago. I knew that we'd talked about pumping the breaks because he has rough working ours and given our time zones, it just isn't feasible to be fully committed like we should be. I knew we'd only played like twice since then, and we hadn't been talking as much. I took it as rejection. But it just donned on me this week that pumping the breaks was basically removing the labels and essentially ending the relationship. And I thought I would be sad about it. I mean, I do miss him and all the things he did, all the things he made me feel. But I don't feel sad. I'm not angry, not upset, not longing for what was. I'm just like "Shoot. Okay" I guess I just expected to feel something more. I don't know. I messaged him a few nights ago just to make sure I am in fact "free to do what I want." He said yes. S...