i don't like my family

 Maybe it's just today. Maybe it's been always. Maybe I'm just coming to the realization.

I don't like my family.

When you're younger, you have double blinders. One set you've naturally put on yourself and one set your guardians have put on to extend your blinders.

I am currently drinking a 50ml bottle of Jager simply because I want to and I can. Also, if I'm drunk for the rest of today, at least I'm still alive. (Just fyi: Slippery slope, do not try this at home)

I have always felt like I was placed in a family that fit me, but it was always either too tight or too loose of a fit. Someone may be reading this and saying "well that's dramatic" and to that I say "I don't give a fuck."

I have spend my twenty six years in this family being silenced. Ok, now that's dramatic. Not so much silenced as censored outside what we perceive as normal. Sure kids shouldn't cuss, they shouldn't insult people freely, etc. But looking back, I've held on to the things I learned growing up.

Today was just a reminder of how I've been told to tolerate and not retaliate. I was always too mean, my hands too heavy, my tone is improper. And I'm a fairly demure person.

Let's see, what has that gotten me as an adult? I don't know how to communicate my feelings when I'm upset without overthinking myself right out of expression. I want to say this, but that may be mean. Should I say it like this? Maybe that will come off better. What if it still sounds bad? Maybe I should leave it alone. What will my words be met with? Will I be chastised by someone else because it sounds bad? Will I be chastised by someone else because it is bad?

Enter my family. If I had a grievance or a request, there was a 9 out of 10 chance of me being chastised for what I had to say or how I said it. Not even a joke. It's making me tear up right now. I can vividly remember being in my room practicing how I would say something so it was received well. Then I would go out, say it, and be met with resistance. I got tired of not being able to voice how I felt because it was always a problem, so I just started holding it in. No one seems to really care what I have to say because apparently I'll never say it right, so I'll just keep it to myself. I'll just figure out a way around it. I'll just try not to be a problem. Beside's my parents were big on "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Well I'm good at following instructions, so I did that. And now it's become a problem.

If the toilet/tub is dirty and I ask for it to be cleaned? Met with resistance.

If there are dishes in the sink and I ask for them to be washed? Met with resistance.

* * UPDATE: This was supposed to be posted on June 5th but I stopped writing cause I'd purposely downed like 3 mini bottles of hard liquor. I was just in a dark space and wanted make my body feel physically what my emotions felt like.

It is now July 13th. And my statement stands. Am I being dramatic? Probably. It's still my truth.

Today, we were applying to move yet again. Not too far away, same city-area, same state. But still, we're moving and I hate it because I like stability and patterns and I can't get that if we're moving every other fucking year.

So we're applying to rent another house. I have to apply even though I'm not paying the rent. Technically I do contribute to the pot, but my family doesn't need me to.  I really just have to apply because I'm over 18. So my mom hands me these papers and says here, use this to fill out the online application. *Enter eyeroll*

She finally sends me a picture of the link *insert eyeroll* and I type it in and go. After yelling across the house to figure out which house, what to click, etc. I read through the application and see it has a co-applicant section that gives me pause. The application makes sense, but not for me. I've lived at all these addresses, but I have never directly paid these people rent. The coward in me is fearful of how my realization will be consumed. But as much as I don't want to speak up, I do it anyways.

I carefully explain to my mother why it doesn't make sense for me to apply separately from her and my dad when I'm applying under/with them. I bring this up once before I start the application, again when I'm typing online, and again when I get to the co-applicant section that literally wants you to list any other residents over 18 who will be on the lease. It's the entire reason for this section. You fill it out with their contact info and this site will email them a link to group all the applications together. Makes sense right?

Well not to my mother, who shot me down an entire three times. I get to the final section and she yells to me "You were right. You should get a link to use so you can apply with us."

*INSERT EYEROLL* oF fReAkInG cOuRsE i ShOuLd *insert Spongebob meme*

And when I tell her I just finished the one I'd already started, she chastises me twice about how I should've used the link. You mean the link I mentioned before? You mean
I should have applied as a co-applicant like I said before? So this application wasn't technically the correct one for me?

I've literally tried to explain that THREE TIMES TO NO AVAIL!!

And this is not the first time I've realized something, fought against my own fears to speak up about it, and been blatantly shot down. And it will not be the last.

The most hurtful time: we were lost, driving around a different state when I was in high school. My mom, grandad, my dad, me and one of my sisters. We had a navigation system built into the car, but it was a CD version that didn't include all the newly paved roads. It basically was deemed useless, but I realized even though it couldn't say "turn on this street." It would say "you are heading in an area where turn-by-turn guidance cannot be instructed" and basically tell you to use the navigation arrow and dotted line on the screen to figure out where you need to go.

I explained this-- no one listened. We continuously got lost.

Finally, one day of this trip we missed our turn so many times my mom had finally had enough. Only then would she listen to me as I watched the screen and told her when and where to turn. She later said she was so grateful because she was on the verge of tears.

Well, what about me? What about my voice? What about my feelings?

My sisters, alot of my extended family really, believes that I'm just this spoiled child, the first light skin baby in the family that gets this special treatment because I'm so perfect.

I only seem perfect because I've grown up with my parent's knee in my back pushing me to excel at everything I did. So that's what I've always done. It's all I know how to do. And sooner or later, when you keep proving yourself to be able to handle that pressure, you fade into the crowd. I feel like once your parents think you have it under control, nothing else matters.

Once people think you have it all together, you become moot. You appear to be fine so you must be fine. You don't need their worry or concern. But the worst part is you no longer get their support.