i've been pulling out my hair again

Well, this title has been saved since October 2020 so that should tell you how it's going.

I'm recommitting myself to this freaking blog, if anyone's still out there.

I guess I should probably play catch up first. *clears throat*

Well, I've had a shitty weekend, which is really the reason I'm writing. But I just opened up this blog on my phone to see the last thing I posted and boy is that hilarious to see.

First of all, I was right about one thing and wrong about the other. Turns out he isn't my boss. I learned that maybe like a week or two after that entry. Honestly, it's probably the reason I have been putting this off. Internal embarrassment. It's kind of funny now. Anyways, he's just my coworker who has a crush on me. Very handsome man, but the more I got to hear him speak, alot-alot, and interact with other people, I quickly learned that he is the Toby of our office. He's nice but no. It's not the romantic meet-cute I hoped it to me. And he's married with at least one kid. I prefer single men, and fingers crossed that they either don't have kids or have a healthy relationship with the mother of their child.

Next, I kept the title even though it's old because the same is true. Although I haven't been doing it as much as I used to, I'm still doing it enough to have to hide my slightly bald-ish areas. Which sounds bad, because it is, but is actually improvement for me. Where my scalp was once smooth and obvious, it's a little hairy and thin. Progress. Basically. For the most part.

Anyways, let's get to what brings me here again-- this weekend was shit. I'm gonna try and break it down starting with Saturday Friday night.

FRIDAY

I went to see a movie. I'm officially fully vaccinated, so I'm getting more comfortable with doing the things I would usually do to make me happy. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Since we moved to Texas, movie theaters are freaking magical. Reclining cushy chairs, food, drinks, and snack delivered to your seat. I love it. (I can't remember if I've specifically said where we moved to so that could be a small reveal.)

When I got home I planned to do some work to make a little extra money. I'd talked my mom into taking the family on the train here in town to site see and do something we've never done before.

I'm working and she tells me my aunt (who also moved) told her about some event this weekend that sounds like fun. In my head I'm like, ok not what I wanted to do but I'll entertain the idea. It sounded like it could be fun. She proceeds to give me a rundown, in which I hear her in real-time talk herself out of going because of fear of there being a large crowd. Sidenote: not even a month ago, we were just at a freaking mini carnival/sellers market that was nicely packed. What's the difference? Only God knows. Then she follows that up with not wanting to go on the train anymore for the exact same reason.

At that point, I was a little agitated but shook it off. It wasn't the end of the world. The train runs all the time and I can always go alone. No biggie.

SATURDAY

It started off fine. I stayed in bed for a bit, read a book on my Kindle app, scrolled Instagram, posted a reel, got pulled into TikTok. Normal stuff. I went to the kitchen thinking I might make some breakfast, talked myself out of that. I honestly don't know what I did to pass a little time in between.

But I ended up sitting on the couch and my mom turns to me and asks if I wanted to go walk around an outlet mall. I'm all for some window shopping and we'd made plans to go like twice before and never had the chance. Then the first bomb (that I actually take into account) drops when she says "We can go get your nails done there? Do you want to get a manicure while we're there?"

My heart drops a little at this point. She knows I wanted to go with her to the only nail salon we've been to together to get my very first like acrylic nail manicure. It's a big deal to me because I just really got into press-ons, I love how they look on my fingers, and I specifically asked for this one thing. People may say this alot, but I mean it with everything in me: I don't ask for a lot. I'm a people-pleaser, first and foremost, and secondly I don't like disappointing gifts. I should mention my birthday is next weekend and this was what I wanted for my birthday. Oh my god. In this moment, I'm realizing that I don't like being disappointed at all. It doesn't make me sad or like "aw" in the moment; it always makes me spiral. So I never ask for anything because I am happy expecting nothing and sparing my feelings from possible disappointment.

So, when I asked for this one thing, I didn't see it becoming a whole thing. I don't ask for anything, but this one thing I wanted and I wanted it this way. So I tell her (because I have been working on my honesty). No, I don't want to do that. And she follows that up by asking me if I wanted to go to that nail bar with her and do it. I said yes.

Not long after she mentions she wants to go to grab food. Food? I'm always down for that. We get in her rental (shout out to TX hailstorms) and head over to grab food to eat on the way to the nail bar. We get within sight of the fast food place and her car has a warning light ding on. We have to turn around. I'm disappointed again, but I understand. She can't help it. Then we bicker about who to call about the car. She wants to call roadside assistance even though we aren't stuck or stranded. I'm trying to explain to her why that makes no sense and that we need to try something else. That becomes I whole thing.

She starts talking about how Saturdays basically done. It's not even freaking one o'clock yet. I'm telling her we can take my car instead. I don't mind driving us around. I just want to enjoy my weekend. We get home, I go to my room and she starts cooking. She doesn't even figure out who to call until after she's made at least two dishes. Then she calls from the couch hours later to ask me to let her know when I was ready to go get my nails done.

By then, that ship has fucking sailed. I'm pissed off and I'm trying my hardest to just stay to myself until I settle down. I come out of my room maybe like thirty minutes later and tell her I'm ready to go to the grocery store. We'd made plans earlier to stop there for a few things before we came home (before the car issues). She tells me ok, she'll see me when I get back. *deadpans to camera*

Now I'm seething. I get in my car and try to find the farthest grocery store I can so I can have a nice drive away from this shitty ass day. But, of course, I'm too effing sensible. So I choose one that we frequent that's like thirty minutes away, which is up the street and around the corner in Texas. But I do take a long way home to kill some time and give me some me time.

I get back home, literally pull into the driveway to her texting me. Her rental is gonna get towed today and they'll give her a replacement tomorrow. The rental company is sending a Lyft. Do I want to ride in the Lyft with her to Dallas and go get it?

So, what I want gets tossed away, what I asked for as a birthday gift gets pushed down the line, you want me to do you a favor? All because I'm the brother of the Prodigal son. If you don't know that story, just do a little Google. Just typing it out, made me spin a little.

But what do I say? Yes,. Because it's what's expected, not because it's something I want to do.

SUNDAY (today)

When I tell you we had the absolute shittiest Lyft driver in the area. It makes me mad just thinking about it.

#1 -- His maps start off wonky because of the weather. It's raining off and on, so he asks which was does he turn to leave our neighborhood. I tell him right. I don't know if it's a Texas thing, but alot of these subdivisions only have one major entrance and exit and maybe two side entries. We live in the middle of our subdivision, which means we have to go to the right to leave from any entry, side or major. If we turn left, you have to do a u-turn because it's literally just more houses. Which way does this man turn? Left. Then he proceeds to have to do a three point turn in someone's driveway to turn around.

#2 -- Texas has a shit ton of round-a-bouts. We have one leaving the area to get on major roads to take you out of the rural area. Again, it's been raining off and on, so water has been sitting in dips and potholes in the road. This man uses his infinite wisdom and hits the gas hard in the roundabout, hits a puddle in a pothole, the car bounces and juts onto the main road.

#3 -- He then drives the full speed limit, in the rain, in Texas traffic. He's lived here for a while and I know because he told us. (In a pandemic where I really wished he'd politely shut his mouth and drive, he wants to talk. Sir, shut the fuck up. Respectfully.) So he should know Texas traffic can be going 60 mph and all of a sudden you see traffic lined up out the butt. It's not really stop and go, it's more drive knowing you may have a sudden stop ahead somewhere. So he's speeding at a rate where if we had to hit the brakes at any point, we were going to be in a car accident.

#4 -- In fact, another car almost does hit us. It starts swerving out of it's lane and he has to drive along the safety bumps on the side of the road to avoid an accident.

#5 -- He tells us while he's driving us to the airport on a rainy day, he doesn't like driving in the rain. (Well what the fuck are you driving us today for sir?)

#6 -- We get to the airport and he passes the rental car exit. I don't know much about airports but it would only make sense for all the rental car options at the airport to be in the designated area, correct?

#7 -- He proceeds to tell us as he's LOST and speeding all up and through DFW airport on a RAINY DAY with shitty navigation how much he doesn't like driving at the airport. (WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THE JOB, SIR?)

#8 -- He gets unlost but apparently the location the car rental people gave him was just a generic airport address, because he pulls up all excited to drop us off at a Airport Parcel Facility. Then tries to convince us that this is where it has to be because the map says so. (GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! At this point I'm contemplating getting out and walking because his driving is scaring the shit out of me and I'm ready to get out of his car.)

#9 -- My mom goes in to see where this place should be and the workers have no idea. So we gets upset with us and uses a tone that still makes my blood boil to ask us "Well you have me lost at the airport because you put in the wrong address? Where's this place supposed to be? I've been driving around in circles for this to be the wrong place?"

When I tell you I was about to punch this man in the back of his head! I cut him off and say the only words I've said since getting in his car as curtly as possible -- "Google Maps says the rental place is five minutes away and its located at 1234 Cherry Lane"

#10 -- His pissy attitude having ass backs out so fast and bratty that he hits his car up onto the walkway and against a huge pole thing.

#11 -- His shitty booty ass gets cocky and talks shit those five minutes to the rental car area we passed originally and speeds through what is now full blown rain knowing these turns are quick, short, and he doesn't know where he's at or where he's going. You can hear and feel the car rejecting turns and the wheels barely meeting the pavement.

When we get out, I'm not even sure it's the right one but I don't give a shit. I'd been practicing a speech in my head to read this man for filth and even timed the grabbing of my pepper spray if he wanted to get aggressive.

But did I do it? No. Because even on a day where I wanted to get out and square up with this man, my thoughts went to what he'd do in response. He knows where we live, knows my mom's name, could easily hit me with his car etc.

But I did slam that mother fucking door on my way out. He's a little piece of shit that I wasn't about to waste a possible charge on. I walked away pissed off and free of committing a crime, and he drove off pissed off and, now that I think about it, hopefully lost for a good minute because of his shitty maps.

But that was my weekend. It was alot, but it feels good to be back. I was checking the analytics and people are actually still coming to the site and reading entries. Or at least clicking on entries. Either way, I have no way of knowing who yall are but thanks. I hope you find something you need from reading these. Whether it's learning what you should do, shouldn't do, getting a good laugh, or just coming for a little escapism drama, I'm here for it.

When I started this blog, I was at a very, very low place. So in comparison, these waters I'm in now are shallow. But even shallow water can drown someone. So I'm picking my head up to take a breath because I can. I wasn't easy at all. It's literally taken me six months to return to writing, but I'm here. And I've got alot of stories to share. My truest self is me when I write this blog because it's anonymous and I don't have any judgement or condemnation for how I feel or what I do. I've never felt like I could because I always feel like I'm being watched. Not in a creepy way, but in a "example setting" way. It's a limiting life to live. I want to do my best to bring this version of myself out into the world so I can be as free as I am when I'm writing this blog.

This is a tiny step and I'm gonna keep going. This is also a super long entry but, what the hell. If you've made it this far, thanks for being here to watch me grow. Life isn't perfect, but you have your good days and good moments. Good memories to hold on to. But sometimes you may get finger blasted by a few back to back bad times like me and feel like shit. That's ok. Happens to everyone. We may not experience the same level of bad and good, but I promise you we all have to sort out good from the bad all the same.

I really hope I'm able to keep documenting What Living Looks Like for me, not only on my worst days but also my really good ones. *insert iconic Breakfast Club fist pump, freeze frame*