how being honest went

If you're anything like me, you tend to keep your reactions to things you don't like to a minimum. Of course it depends on the crowd, but that sentiment doesn't really change. There's just different levels. Something happens, it upsets you in some way, but you hold your tongue. I usually hold my tongue in fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, feel of saying the right thing and it not being accepted, fear of saying the right thing appropriately and then becoming the villain somehow, fear

So, in a room full of my peers/friends whom I've known for a long time, someone made a racist joke.

I stopped in the middle of writing this because I just really don't want to rehash it. I'll address this person as she. 

She made an inappropriate joke I didn't like. I don't know if anyone else heard her because she slid it in so fast. No one said anything in the moment. I froze and just panicked in the moment. Later on I went over it with my best friend who confirmed what I was feeling was valid. I knew I wanted to address it, but how. So I devised a plan to text her about it. That way there will be no "he said, she said", no word of mouth, no mistelling of a story, no lies basically. It can't be stretched or balled into itself because, as the man in the Bible said, it is written.

Basically, I said I didn't like it. She felt so bad. Enter sarcasm. I left it alone after that. She texted me back again on how we have to be careful of what we say, especially right now with a link to an inflammatory opinion piece. I went ahead and let her know why it's important to understand why we should never make light of that situation, in my own words. Because that piece was just like "here's my validation" to me. Yadda yadda then it turned into if I don't know her heart by now she was basically disappointed. I went on to squash that, reaffirm why she's exaggerating in the nicest-nasty way possible and ended it right then and there. But, my first thought:

Bitch.

Don't ever for a second think that you, a grown ass woman, will ever be allowed to say some sly shit like that and it be ok. What you said, given your age, your background, your Christian-faith you flaunt around, you should know better. There is no excuse. There is only apology and growth. Miss me with that pity party bullshit. I'm sick of people stepping in shit on purpose and then crying about it later. Fix your face. Like, why are people stupid? Why do grown ass people, much older than myself, feel the need to act the fuck up, and then jump surprised when they are called on their shit? Why?

Why? How, Sway?

I can't trust her anymore. I can't trust her with my truth. I can't trust her with my fears. I can trust her with my beliefs. I can't trust her with my dreams. She is not there. And by there I mean on my level of understanding. My level of how I would like to grow. My level of maturity. My level of wisdom. And usually I -- even right now, I find that to be a hard thing to say. It makes me feel shitty because it feels like I'm saying I'm better than her. I'm not saying that to look down on her. I guess I would say, I'm looking back at her. I can't stay where she is. Not that I've ever really, truly been there. But that's where I would ever want to find myself. Not now, and sure as shit not at her age. I am moving forward and I can't bring her with me. She is a weight. And I really don't want to use the word burden. She's a five-pound weight. When you first start working out, five lbs is like "oh no, I can't do this, I'll get noodle arms." But you keep raising those weights, you squat with those weights, you farm-walk with those weights, you do crunches with those weights. But when it becomes easy, you move on. I can't let those five lbs weights hold me back from the ten lbs I have been working towards. Those five lbs weights are useless to me. I've done all I can do with them, and it's time to put those down and move to the next level.

I'm done with her. I'm just done. Between now and the day I starting writing this, it's only gotten worse. So, if I ever get the mental strength to finish, to be continued.