how anxiety has affected me

I legit went to the doctor for a check up and they put me on medicine right then and there. It went something like this: my foot hurts, also does it look kind of puffy. Their response: well given that and how high you blood pressure is, go get this prescription.

And now I am a twenty-something on blood pressure medication. For the time-being. I told them I am for sure this is from stress. For sure. About 80%. But it doesn't stop the fact that I need my pressure to be regulated. Also, I need to not be as stressed. And given the current situation in these United States, where life is so good, wearing a mask is an infringement of our rights *insert eye roll*, I don't see that happening anytime soon. So since I had to go pick up a prescription, I also picked up a supplement for my anxiety, and a BP monitor because I've got effing homework. I have to track my blood pressure like I'm a lab rat. And I swear, every time that monitor starts whirring, I feel like an 80 year old woman. Yall, if you have a grandma or grandpa that you love, show them and tell them. Because ain't no way I want to be doing this when I get older. And I really, really don't want to be doing this now.

Since I took off work to get those visits out of the way, which only stressed me out more. Not because I had things to do, but because of my bosses' (bosses's?) reactions. And they did not disappoint [insert sarcasm]. As soon as I get back to work, they of course want all the detail.s. Not a chance in hell, but I did give them the gist. And in response to me telling them about being stressed and anxious, I do not know why, for one second, I thought they would be warm. They were cold as hell. "Why are you anxious? If you're stressed now, wait until you get older? What do you have to be stressed about? You just need to let that stuff go? You just need to stop holding stuff in?" Mind you, all this is coming at me from two directions, both at high volume.

Listen....... If I were to say what I wanted to say all the time, people would be put in their place on the DAILY. My sarcastic remarks are fighting their way to the forefront right now. "You just need to let that stuff go"??????????? Let's see.

No fucking shit.

Oh my goodness, why didn't I think of that.

Really?

Just let it go?

So that's how you do it?

How'd you come up with that?

That is brilliant!

Where can I mail your got damn Nobel Prize? 

Can I pin this medal of Genius to your fucking forehead, dumbass!?

That feels slightly better. Ok. So, obviously I can't say that. But I can think it! At least. Give me a break, don't judge. I just hate that these people I would like to call my friends, would jump straight to attacking me verbally at 8 in the morning, in response to me telling this I was just put on legit medication for my blood pressure, all the labs came back good, so I'm really leaning towards the elevated stress and anxiety I feel being the root cause. How in the WORLD does that seem like the right thing to do?? What really scares me is these people have kids! Is that what you're doing at home? And to think they offered to move me in with them in order for me to stay. Miss me with that. Ain't no way! Ain't no way. Did I mention that I'm tired.

I don't know. I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like since I found out that we're moving away, I've been able to process and feel freely. I don't have to make sense of something that upsets me in order to go into work and do my job. Now instead of being stressed, anxious, and feeling crazy from trying to reconcile things they've done with my own moral compass, I can live in how shitty they can be. I can understand why the employees they've worked close with not only leave, but they don't stay in touch.

I legit watched her have a tense, back and forth with an old employee she called a friend. I mean she would bear hug this lady, spend time talking with her, having heart to hearts. But that day, I watched them verbally tussle and as soon as she left, my boss lit into her. Talked about her like it was nothing. And if she can do that to her, what's stopping her from doing that to me? And that my friends, is only part of my spiral. It only grows out from here.