should i live my best shitty life?

I had a friend from junior high buy a freaking house today. We're the same age. I'm living with my parents, still trying to get my self together. Am I doing this wrong?

Mind you, I know nothing about her situation outside of the fact, she just bought a house. Now, back to me spiraling.

Should I be working the crap jobs that make the best money right now? So I can wrack up my savings and then do what I love later on in life? Or should I stick to what I'm doing now? Try and try to make my passion work to make me money. I know everyone's path is different. I know "if I quit now, then I'll never know if I could even do it." I know all the things. I just can't help but think, am I doing this backwards? How am I going to start a family with no money? I have a savings, but I want a saaaaaavings. Like a decent, grown-up, I'm-really-doing-this savings. I don't want a house. I've already said that. What if I get a house and then a relationship xyz yadda yadda. I don't want to have to choose between 2 houses. I know I'm jumping ahead into the unknown and trying to plan around something that doesn't exist. I mean, if people are giving out beautiful, sturdy, well-built homes, I'm down. But.... I don't know. I just. Ok. I want to be living by myself right now. Like, I want a place that's home for just me. I want to come home to my dog. Is that terrible? I'm thankful for where I am, but I want to have a chance to live with myself. I want to pay rent for me and my dog, come home, walk around how I want, clean my home to my liking, fall asleep on the couch, cook meals in my home, put up my own Christmas tree. I don't really want like guest-guests, but I want to invite friends into my space. I want to be able to talk on the phone without hearing my family over-talking me in the freaking background.

I understand that these things will come and when they do, I'll miss the things that used to bother me. I'll miss what I took for granted. But I want to be able to do that for myself. I want that for me. So, in order to get that, do I need to do what like now and do what I love later? Stomach the crap work in order to build a solid backing for my dreams? Would that be giving up on my dreams? Would that even be the right thing to do? Or do I keep working how I am know? Take what I can get and work on my dreams on the side. What is my end-goal? What's endgame for me? Am I already doing stomaching what I can in order to survive? What am I doing?

If I'm gonna try and unravel this.... Ok. In the future, I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to be able to go to my kids whatever to support them, volunteer, help out, etc. And while I'm not doing that, I want to work on my art in that spare time. Art that makes money and art that just makes me happy. Or art for pure entertainment for other people. Art that sends a message out there. Before I get there, I wouldn't mind being a personal assistant or a fancy receptionist to a thankful and appreciative boss. I don't need to be coddled or babied, but I want a boss that recognizes I work hard as hell. And I want my compensation to say that even if they don't verbalize it. I feel like my compensation now is saying "you work really hard and we see it, but how about.......this?" I'm not making minimum wage, and it's still not enough to live by myself. Even making above minimum wage isn't making a living for me right now.

I spiraled again.

Ok. Before meeting my person, I want to be able to have a really good emergency fund all while making money to support myself. Heck, maybe even have it to where I can afford to turn down projects I don't want to work on because of time or my own personal choice. And these are just ideas. It's what I think, right now, would be ideal. And that's hard for me to say because I don't like plans. I don't like "seeing into the future." The future is tricky and you can never plan for everything. And it never goes according to plan. Literally grown ups used to tell us "not everything goes according to plan" and in the next breath "what do you want to be when you grow up." Grown? I don't know. I do know I'm not teaching. I mean, it could happen. See! What is happening right now? I can't stop smiling at how futile it all seems.

I work hard every day. I can see leaps I'm taking but I want to see bounds. I want like "oh snap, I just jumped that fucking hurdle" moments. Big picture, I don't feel like I'm really moving. I feel like I'm stuck. I've even been trying to work towards my future recently. I've updated my resume, I keep my portfolio up-to-date, and I've updated my profiles on a bunch of hiring sites. It's something. And I only did that because another high school friend got a freaking NFL job. I want that for myself. I want my dream job. One that, even on bad days, I'm like "ugh I hate it but I can't wait to get to work!" I'm conflicted if you can't tell. I'm just gonna fix me a quick drink and eat a cookie, because I can't. 

Welcome to me. Here's my brain.