i'm done

I can't anymore. I literally drove home crying from work today.

I tell them I quit a couple days after I found out. Mind you, a weekend fell within those couple a days. They ask me how long I've known and why I didn't tell them sooner.

Boss walks in the next day, THE NEXT DAY, at 8 am in the morning and tells me I need to call or email blasts all the people I work with at my biggest client's office, tell them I'm leaving, and see what work I can get done ahead of time. WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just dumbfounded the whole time she's talking because I opened my mouth to greet her, she hasn't even put her stuff down in her office, and she's standing at my desk with her shitty game plan. So I circumvented that bullshit, and did what she asked my way. The way that I was comfortable with and still got the job done.

So she brings it up again today, I explained how I accomplished what she wanted the smart and easy way, all the while keeping my business to myself. She in return tells me I need to tell people. I tell her I don't understand why it's important, it's weird. She puts on her extra-dusty boss pants and shuts that shit down. And then she goes to her office.

Then my point person from said client's office calls. She picks up, WHISPERS DOWN THE PHONE about me, tells me to pick up, and he asks me if I'm leaving. I'm about to cry again just typing this shit. Why would she even do that? And she knew she was wrong because she felt the need to lower her voice and be sneaky as fuck. Fuck her.

Fuck her.

She knew what she was doing. She fucking knew!

I'm sick of being steamrolled. I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of her making choices for me. I did them a solid by telling them this early on and in return I'm being thrown under the bus. If someone comes to that office looking for me and I'm not there, they aren't leaving.

She literally did something similar earlier this year. I went to go run an errand I shouldn't have even had to run, and when I'm halfway to my destination, she calls me. There is a client at the office and I need to come back to help them. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????

Why? Why can't you help them? What is the big deal? Why can't you just take down the fucking notes and take down a phone number and FUCKING DO YOUR JOB. It's not hard. It's actually really simple.

I just don't get it. I go above and beyond for them all the time. All of the time. And in return, I get underpaid and unappreciated. Not even unappreciated. I don't even know the word to use. It's like they get to pick and chose who they want to be, when to run through me like I don't matter, and when to snicker and fucking giggle like besties. I shouldn't have to make excuses for their actions and I look back on the past few years and it's all I've ever done. But that did it. She knew how I felt and she just decided 'fuck that, if you can't do it, i'll do it for you.' And I wanted to be really snarky, but when he said that on the phone I just froze. My mouth hung open and I couldn't even decide what to say in response. And I know she heard that. I know she noticed. And all I can think about now is her reaction to that. A part of me wants to think she felt guilty, but a part of me knows she probably felt so big and bad. Like she stuck it to me. She showed me.

I don't even want to keep writing because it just sucks. And it only gets worse. For me, at least.

I just don't even know that they've even considered how I feel about leaving. Only what they can use me for and get out of me while I'm here. Like, I get you don't want to be bomb-rushed, but that doesn't mean you can just steamroll me.

So she left, and I'm just sitting for hours trying to figure out how to tell man-boss that I don't like what's happening with her deciding for me to tell people right now. I'd already decided that fine, I don't want to tell people but it's important to you. But what does telling people right now solve. I have no set date, no timeline, I don't know what to expect. But I do know common courtesy is to give a 2-week notice. I'd decided that I would be willing to compromise telling people within a 2-week window.

I started talking with him and he immediately steamrolled me. Out the gate. It really just hurts my feelings. I just feel like it's hard to be heard so I always stay quiet. I'm always trying to fix things. I'm always tolerating their shit. Like a good employee. Like a good friend. I don't get the same in return. I have never come to him with anything like this. I always figure out a way to get by. In the moment I decide to tell him, he just rushes me. "Well you have to think about......" "Well I have people that....." "Well you don't want your clients to....." The whole time, I fish-out-of-watering. My mouth keeps opening and shutting, trying to get a window, trying to find a moment to speak. And he's just going ninety a minute. I finally get to say its weird just telling people. "Well you don't have to just call everyone and tell them...." "But that's what she wants me to do" I can't even tell you what his response was. And then asked if we can at least wait until closer to the date or in the actual month that I'm leaving. He says "you don't have to tell them now" "But that what she wants me to do" And the whole time he's looking at me like "shit."

Yeah. Shit. Because you fucked up too. All you had to do was listen. Maybe, I don't know, hear me out? Take some time to process my actual request. Maybe not but in on it from jump and run away with it.

I already don't have control over me leaving and now I don't even have control over when or how my freaking story gets told. Why can't I just have this? It's all I want. I've never mentioned feeling any type of way and the moment I do, I get shit on. I'm just tired. I'm tired. And I feel like why should I even try. She wants to complain about me that she can't do art, keep bringing up she needs to learn, say that I need to train her how to handle my client. THE JOB IS THE FUCKING SAME FOR EACH CLIENT!!! The requests may be different, but the processes are ALL IDENTICAL. Take notes, check in, get approval, and DO YOUR JOB. I feel like she just doesn't want to do the work. If they were that concerned about being overwhelmed, they wouldn't let me be overwhelmed every fucking year. I always handle this shit by my got damn self. Even when she calls herself trying to help, trying to step in and take over, she comes to me with questions. Like I'm her boss. If I were her, I'd be a smart ass just like her. "Check the file." And if she's not asking questions, she's just handing me her work to finish.

Some times I feel like I'm not seen. We're all click clacking on our computers and two of us are working and one of us is shopping, browsing. Not working as hard. I'm tired. I just want to be heard. 

I don't know what I want. The only people that seem to notice are other employees and my clients. I beat myself up every time I thought about having to leave and it was all for nothing. I would get so nervous, I honestly thought I would shit myself. And what for? To be immediately accosted? To be cornered? To be walked all over? I was really gonna miss work. I still might. But today, I don't. Today, I wanted to be anywhere but there. Today I wish I could take my quit day back. I wish I could take back that courtesy and stick to the 2-weeks notice. I never thought-- I always run through all the what ifs and I just feel like this one was not one I saw coming. I didn't think they were going to squeeze me dry. Take me for all I had and then "ok now you can go." I expected more. I deserve more. I don't ever want to work like that again. Ever.I want to know where I stand, I want to be respected, I want a nice work relationship, healthy work environment. I don't want safety, I just want security. Right? That kind of makes sense. At least to me.

I didn't even want to write this. I was supposed to right it yesterday, after she snapped on her friend/customer. Or I should say "so-called friend." Is that how it's gonna be with me? They talk shit when I leave but want to be all buddy-buddy to my face. And when something gets uncomfortable, they get hostile. I just don't know how I got here. How I went from the clouds to the ground so fast. I don't get why. I just don't understand. But I'm done making excuses. I'm miserable already and I'm doing my best to push myself to do good things. Not sit and wallow all the time. The last thing I ever expected, or even needed, was this bullshit.

Oh yeah. To top it off, when I was leaving my neighborhood today, someone in a really big pickup truck almost hit me. And when I say almost, I mean by a few inches. I literally glanced and one second he was on his side and the next second he was veering towards me, right towards my driver's seat. If he hadn't have hit his brakes same as me, I don't know what condition I would be in right now. I did think to thank God, right after I cussed, but it was just another "whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this happening?" This week has been shitty. I just can't anymore.