i feel like my luck is running out

I know luck isn't a thing when you're Christian. But I can still use the saying, right? I guess people would prefer I say what I'm actually feeling in my faith.

What I'm actually feeling is that my hope is dwindling. My faith is a lil shaky. My fear is eating away at me. But only sometimes.

Sometimes I grab a hold of the scales and shift them back to my favor. Other times, I'm applying for jobs for hours at a time. I'm uploading resumes, entering resumes, creating log ins for different sites, linking accounts to different sites, combing through emails for updates, trying to find the golden goose. Newsflash: I don't think she exists. So I'm going back to what I know, even though it's shaky. My faith.

I know God can. I know God will. I know that both of those statements come a dime a dozen. But I like to see progress and He's hiding it from me. Not in a bad way, or like a snarky act. I don't even mean it in a snarky way. I know He's working on it, lining everything up. But I just want a peek. A quick "hey, how's it going?" A little update. A sign. I feel like there's nothing. Zip. Nada. And I know what I need to do. Stand on his unchanging Word. It's the only thing I can see. I know. But it's hard. The analytical part of me, my flesh, is screaming WHERE'S THE PROGRESS?? WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT DOES MY FUTURE HOLD? And my spirit is trying her best to reel her in. Trying to remind her that He makes a way out of no way, He paves the roads I take before me, He delivers. It's hard.

Everything I've come to know, love, and be comfortable with is gone. Is leaving. I'm left with the basics. My family, my friends, my faith. And I know I'm blessed. I know I'm lucky. Most people wish they had just that. But is it wrong for me to want more. I want a job. A good-paying job -- let's pause for a second. If someone is reading this, keep the negativity. I'm literally making enough for myself. I don't need yours. What I need is for you to, I don't know, cross your fingers, cross your toes, say a prayer if that's your thing. I need your positivity no matter how small. Right now, your girl isn't running on E, but I'm definitely watching that red bar wade over that red line. So even if you're chipping in like, 10 cents to the cause, I'll take it. Bring your figurative pennies, your dimes, your nickels. And if you have it, I wouldn't mind a 20 dollar bill.

I need it. I need a little boost. Something to keep me going. I'm trying to pull myself up, but it's like I get so far up, and then I realize how heavy I am. And then I slip a little. It's for the birds, yall! But I'm trying. I know not all is lost. I know that it'll work out. I know I'll look back at this entry and be like"oh man, that was tough. I didn't think I'd ever make it out of that." I know I'll tell this to my kids one day. (Of course, not like all the entries. Some stuff is need-to-know) But this entry is definitely one for them. 

I want this to be a story of triumph. A story of me pulling myself out. Even if it requires a little extra help. A story of faith. I want to build me faith. But I'm also afraid of that, too. Whoo! Let me tell you. But I'm getting there. I'm rebuilding. And I still feel a little hopeless, but I'm also a little less fearful. So that's something. I just want to know if I make it out of this ok. If the future holds something better, something good for me. But I'll know in due time, right. I guess until then, I just keep the faith. Wish me luck.