guilt

Well, it's late. I've officially stayed up until the wee hours of tomorrow cooking and baking. Why you ask? Because I have to put my notice in at work. Just the thought makes me want to shit my pants. I feel like I'm just abandoning them.

To make matters worse, my boss. God, my boss. The day before he joked about he was going to make a huge board of EOTMonth and put my name on each month. Then today we were talking about my church stuff. He used himself as an example to help me understand, or just see another side. He said if I were to ever leave, they would miss me. He said I'm a really good worker, and that they would miss that. But most of all they'd miss me as a person. Me. And my back immediately went stiff and my first thought: fuck. He knows. Does he know? Fuck.

I'm gonna have to do this. There have just been too many times where they would say something and I'd be like "what? huh? what do you mean?" I'm so fucking guilty. So fucking guilty.

So I have been on my feet the past four hours or so, in the kitchen. Making stuff. I made desserts to bring to work to break the news. I'm thinking "hey guys. so I have some good news and some bad news. the bad news is my mom wants to move. soon. and I'll be going with her. the good news is here, eat this." Or I could pass out the good news first and while their enjoying be like, oh by the way my family is moving away. Dammit.

Dammit!

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not gonna be ok. Their not gonna be ok. I don't want to be crying all the time. I don't want a bunch of sad looks and glances. I don't want a going away party. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. I'm just scared. I'm scared. And I don't want them to spend the time between now and then trying to scheme to get me to stay. I just....not that I think I'm that important. I just think they can be that kind. As much as they piss me off sometimes.

What am I going to do? Our busy season is coming up. What if it's delayed and it doesn't start until after I leave? Or right when I'm leaving? I had to tell a customer today I'm looking forward to her Christmas order. Knowing I won't fucking be here! I'm a liar. I lied to her. Why did I do that?

What am I doing? Why is this happening? What's next? Just, I want to understand. I want some insight. I just want to be prepared and I can't handle it. I'm struggling. And I know Jesus is there. He's always here. I just want answers. And I know it's a lesson I'm learning. A muscle I'm building. But it's hard. It sucks and I want to give up.

What the fuck am I going to do?