what living looks like

Good news. I made a good news/good one label, because when I was rearranging my blog, I realized I didn't have much to label as "good news."  So, good news. My online shopping has gone down. I've been updating my resume, applying for jobs, stressing, pulling my hair out (just gotta be honest). But on the brighter side, I've had less time to spend mindlessly trying to figure out what I [don't] need to buy. Also, I've figured out a way to not pull out my hair. As much. (I've also come to terms with not being able to quit pulling my hair out cold turkey). Anyways, I've made a list. A list of what I need to do, goals. But in between my goals I set for myself I put rewards once that goal is met. So instead of dreading trying to reach the goal from so far away. I'm trying to turn it into anticipating. Anticipating the reward that I'll give myself once I make it. Good, right. I'm even smirking a little as I type this. I don't know. I know ...

I know luck isn't a thing when you're Christian. But I can still use the saying, right? I guess people would prefer I say what I'm actually feeling in my faith. What I'm actually feeling is that my hope is dwindling. My faith is a lil shaky. My fear is eating away at me. But only sometimes. Sometimes I grab a hold of the scales and shift them back to my favor. Other times, I'm applying for jobs for hours at a time. I'm uploading resumes, entering resumes, creating log ins for different sites, linking accounts to different sites, combing through emails for updates, trying to find the golden goose. Newsflash: I don't think she exists. So I'm going back to what I know, even though it's shaky. My faith. I know God can. I know God will. I know that both of those statements come a dime a dozen. But I like to see progress and He's hiding it from me. Not in a bad way, or like a snarky act. I don't even mean it in a snarky way. I know He's working...

I have come to the dramatic conclusion of the above statement. What I want doesn't matter. After my not-so-much discussion with my boss of how and when we tell customers about me leaving, nothing has gone my way. I don't ask for alot, but I did ask for this. And in return, they are continuing to do what they want regardless of how that makes me feel. They know where I stand on this topic, and it has not phased them. How do I know this? Because I have started a running list of them telling people "for me."  I don't normally do things like this because it feels like crazy-girlfriend behavior. But I'm tired of getting worked up for good reason, and then trying to make excuses for other people in order to make me feel better. Or rationalize why they'd want to do that in order to un-demonize them. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of overworking myself and overthinking for the benefit of other people. It just feels like a way I keep myself complacent. ...

I can't anymore. I literally drove home crying from work today. I tell them I quit a couple days after I found out. Mind you, a weekend fell within those couple a days. They ask me how long I've known and why I didn't tell them sooner. Boss walks in the next day, THE NEXT DAY, at 8 am in the morning and tells me I need to call or email blasts all the people I work with at my biggest client's office, tell them I'm leaving, and see what work I can get done ahead of time. WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just dumbfounded the whole time she's talking because I opened my mouth to greet her, she hasn't even put her stuff down in her office, and she's standing at my desk with her shitty game plan. So I circumvented that bullshit, and did what she asked my way. The way that I was comfortable with and still got the job done. So she brings it up again today, I explained how I accomplished what she wanted the smart and easy way, all the while keeping my business to myself. S...

I had a dream that I saw a plant growing right before my eyes. It was growing extremely fast. I'm almost positive it was either in my mom's house, or my mom had it showing it to me. But then she grabbed it and I was like oh no. Don't do that. What are you doing. While she took the plant and grabbed a handful of coconut oil and saturated the roots. And then I watched as the plant died, right before my eyes.

I did the whole redirection thing. "I'm leaving, but don't be sad. Or do. Here, eat your feelings." One wants to quit, then wanted me to move in and the other was just in disbelief. Then we all went to our desks after a moment of me giving the why and timeline, etc. They both were stirring. One was immediately came out and said to make sure I don't leave anything undone. I need to finish all my orders. At a certain date, I just need to stop taking orders completely. Then she grabs the calendar and flips to see when is a good time. Then she's like we'll have to find a date and you just can't take orders after that. And I just tuned it out while my friend kind of politely budded in to redirect the conversation. And then it turned into a "why did you wait so long to tell us?" What?? Are you serious? I just found out at the end of last week. So it's literally been a week day, a weekend, and another week day. Why do you need to be a bitch righ...

If I had to describe myself I would say XX year old virgin. Who also suffers from anxiety and trichotillomania, both of which are self-diagnosed. Why would I identify as a virgin first? Because I feel like it's an anomally. I'm obviously black, obviously female (no offense to anyone in the LGBTQ community), but being a virgin at my age isn't something I know to be common. And I feel like it affects how I interact with people and view the world. My brain is always on the move. It usually starts off pretty slow, and then it's just gone. Imagine playing pinball. Have you ever had the ball slowly bounce back and forth atop the paddles? Do you remember how intense that moment is? And then you catch it in the crevice of one paddle, let it rooooooll down, and then BANG. PING PING PING PING PING LIGHTS BELLS, etc. That's my brain activity. My thought pattern. And it used to be just that by itself. Now, on top of that, I find myself pulling my hair out, string by string. In ...

Well, it's late. I've officially stayed up until the wee hours of tomorrow cooking and baking. Why you ask? Because I have to put my notice in at work. Just the thought makes me want to shit my pants. I feel like I'm just abandoning them. To make matters worse, my boss. God, my boss. The day before he joked about he was going to make a huge board of EOTMonth and put my name on each month. Then today we were talking about my church stuff. He used himself as an example to help me understand, or just see another side. He said if I were to ever leave, they would miss me. He said I'm a really good worker, and that they would miss that. But most of all they'd miss me as a person. Me. And my back immediately went stiff and my first thought: fuck. He knows. Does he know? Fuck. I'm gonna have to do this. There have just been too many times where they would say something and I'd be like "what? huh? what do you mean?" I'm so fucking guilty. So fucking gui...

If you've seen the show Black Mirror , you completely understand what I'm getting at. If you haven't seen it, it's pretty simple. I can't window shop right now. And it's literally a hobby I have. And I didn't even realize it until quarantine. Like, I like to leave work, grab some fast food, and head straight to a store. It gives me time to wind down from work, phone my friend, and just be out and about. I don't even have to buy anything. I just like to be. So instead of window shopping, I've been shopping online. I have bought some stuff. And I mean....I have bought some stuff. I've also spent time like "ooo this looks cool let me spend 50 years browsing this site aimlessly." I had a thought about my little vacuum cleaner and immediately went searching for a new one. Then I went down a whole hole of trying to find a vacuum cleaner, figuring out what a good one was, do I want a rechargeable one, one that plugs in the wall, a skinny one, ...

I left my church. At least I kind of left. But basically, I did. I left my church. Not "the" church, just my own. I've been putting off writing about this because I don't want to revisit it. I don't want to relive those moments. I was upset, hurt, pissed, humiliated, and felt thrown away all in the span of like two minutes. The only reason I'm writing about this now is because the pastor called me this week, out of the blue. I was at work and saw he was calling. Now that I mention it, he had called during quarantine and thanked me for continuing to give to the church. Then he called again and I screened the call. AKA I didn't answer. So when I saw he was calling, I looked up and saw my boss. They already know everything that had happened. I guess now looking back I answered because I felt like it was safe. They completely understood my reasoning for leaving. So I said "it's my pastor," and then I answered. At first it was "I was just cal...

I had a friend from junior high buy a freaking house today. We're the same age. I'm living with my parents, still trying to get my self together. Am I doing this wrong? Mind you, I know nothing about her situation outside of the fact, she just bought a house. Now, back to me spiraling. Should I be working the crap jobs that make the best money right now? So I can wrack up my savings and then do what I love later on in life? Or should I stick to what I'm doing now? Try and try to make my passion work to make me money. I know everyone's path is different. I know "if I quit now, then I'll never know if I could even do it." I know all the things. I just can't help but think, am I doing this backwards? How am I going to start a family with no money? I have a savings, but I want a saaaaaavings. Like a decent, grown-up, I'm-really-doing-this savings. I don't want a house. I've already said that. What if I get a house and then a relationship xyz ya...

How do I get a new job? I've applied to so fucking many! Am I good enough? Will I fill in? Am I moving? Will we move? What the fuck is happening? Fuck. Fuck. I need to make more money. I can't move out on my own with my salary right now. What if no one wants to hire me? Will I be good enough for anyone else? Am I gonna have to get an in-between-my-dream-job job? How much does that pay? How am I supposed to quit my job now? Are we really moving? Do I tell them now? What if I tell them and we don't move? What if they don't want me to move? What if they offer me more money to stay? Will it be enough? Honestly, probably not. What the fuck am I doing? What they fuck am I supposed to do? Where the fuck is my life going? What is happening? The bottom of my life has fallen out. I feel like it's falling out. My security blanket has been tugged away from me ALL FUCKING YEAR! Matter of fact, SINCE LAST YEAR! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...