my birthday week

It's my birthday week coming up soon. I've been really moody lately. Well, if we're calling it what it is, I've just been upset. A mixture of sadness, being overwhelmed, and being a little pissed basically. I also realized that my period will be starting in 2 days (or so). I'm not saying that's why I'm in these feelings, but I am taking it into account. But I'm making an effort to feel better on my own.

So, this [upcoming] week, I was looking at pictures to remind me of how I spent my last birthday. It was fun and I was happy. I'd just realized I the joy of a three-day weekend because I can and because I deserve it. I genuinely had a really good time. I would do it again in a heartbeat. So that's the plan. Post the pictures, bathe in the nostalgia. Feel good. Then I bought some food so I can make myself a birthday dinner. Food-- good. I like food. Next is getting my birthday cake. It's already ordered and I'm excited to get my hands on it. It's my first "boujee cake." I love driving, I'll get to listen to my favorite music. Have some me time, on the trip to and fro.

The part I'm dreading is going back to work. I'm dreading it because I don't know what to expect. I know I'll enjoy being around them for the most part, but I don't know what part of them will be there with me. I don't want to go into politics. They never see any other side but their own. I don't want to go into what to do with the company. I love having an input, but I'm not the solution to everything. I don't always have the answers and I feel like that's what they're usually digging for. I don't want to hear about what I should be doing, what I should have been doing over quarantine, what I should be doing with the stimulus money I have. I'd like to have conversations of what we've done, what we'd like to do. Not what I should be doing or should have been doing. I feel like it's being shamed, being chastised almost. I don't want that for myself. I've got to figure out a way to stand up for myself, make room for myself. God, make room for me. "Prepare the table before me [in the presence of my enemies."

So that's the plan for me this week, short-term. I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming. At least for the most part. I think the best way to turn this habit from something harmful and suffocating into something a bit more healthy is to think "skeleton plan." Like these are the bones of what I'd like to see. Here's a structure that I'm working on. I have to accept that what ever happens to that skeleton or to that structure. I can still put forth the effort in trying to mold and shape it into what I'd like to see, but some things are out of my control. So when someone bumps into me while I'm working on it, if I accidentally knock it over, if it's starting to go in a different direction than what I expected, I need to roll with it. Make changes, adapt if necessary. Accept it for what it is and then continue to move around it. Don't let something out of my control or not in my plan consume me. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth a shot.

I want this next year to be better. I know that's what everyone wants, but I don't care. I want it. I want to chase my dreams more. I started during this quarantine, and I want to keep that fire burning. I want to be happy with where ever I am over this next year. I know it won't be always, or every day, all the time. etc. But when I see it, I want to be able to grab it. I want to punch  my fear dead in the face. I even started trying to kill bugs, even picking them u. Not literally. More like finding some way to get them into a trash can fast. I want to find a sense of independence. I'm getting closer and closer to being a 30 year old virgin. I want to thrive in my virginity. My days of being a virgin-- I want to find meaning in that. I want to know it's significance. I have an idea, but I want to maybe delve into it more? Or go outside of it and explore. I want to spend time being thankful for my ridiculously annoying hair. I want to be grateful for my face, no matter how many dark spots, or how oily it can get. I also want to flip that and take more care of myself. I want to wash my face with care. I want to do my weekly face masks. I want to keep working out. I want to lotion my body because I care about my skin. I want to stop pulling my hair out, strand by strand. I want to give my dog a bath every week? I'll look that up later to see what's suggested. I want to keep my ideas flowing. Last year was a good start, and I'm proud of it. I want more of that. I want to paint my nails and let the nail polish fall of until I'm good and ready to fix it! I don't need anyone telling me to "fix that." Fuck you, how about that. And I know I said (slash typed) "paint" my nails. Let me keep my quirks alive, dang. I want to trust my friends more. The ones that should be trusted. I want to make more acquaintances. Acquaintances that lead to friends. I want to feel free enough to be myself around my friends. And maybe my family, I don't know. Family is usually trickier than friends, which is pretty sad. But I feel like that's common, right? I don't know. But you get the idea.

This next year will continue to shape me into what God has in store. I also want to regain my relationship with Him. Not that I lost it, but I really need to re-figure some things out. He's kinda stripped me bare this 2020. I want to know that it's Him, know it's in my best interest. (If you're not spiritual, that's ok. I hope this doesn't offend you or make you uncomfortable. I'm not the Christian from Fox News. I don't have a soap box. I'm not going to tell people how to live and cast down sinners. That's not what I was taught. My Christianity is like a finger tattoo. You can see it but I'm going to start sticking it in your face. Or start doing weird motions with my hand just so you'll notice it. It's just there. Let's just make this topic change become a precursor lol. Basically, my faith will be mentioned from time to time because it's a part of me. Take from it what you must. Or don't. I don't know.) Welcome to Having Anxiety 101.