coming to terms?

I don't know who I am. I don't know anymore. And not in a sad, woe is me kind of why. Not even existential crisis-ish. I feel like just need to get that. I know who I am as an actual person, but I'm still digging to figure out what's inside, what am I composed of, what makes me who I am. Two physical beings made me, spiritually one entity created me. But for me personally, where I end up and who I end up being -- that's based on my choices. The butterfly effect is both a crock of you-know-what and scarily realistic. I do believe it's true but I try not to get caught up in it. It's as black-holey as time travel. But my choices will continue to form and shape me literally until the day I die.

Every time I try to even consider "redefining" myself, it never works. Because I can't seem to follow through on the choices I'd need to make in order to see results. I want to be better for myself. I'm almost always ready to help someone else, give someone the benefit of the doubt, look for the best, etc. But where does that leave me? I can give to so many people, but what am I left with? I don't get that reciprocated to me. I don't feel like I do. Am I rejecting it? Is it being given to me in a wrapped in a package I assume to be shitty?

I want to accept people for who they are and not feel responsible for choosing myself when it's necessary. I want to be true to myself. I want to think of myself as being attractive. I want to think I'm worthy of someone's love. I want to be ok with missing a gym day. I want to be ok with being weak in certain areas. I want to be ok with putting myself first. I always feel guilty. I feel guilty when I want to speak up for myself. I don't want to be seen as a bitch, I don't want to seem upset or antagonizing. I don't want to be the angry black woman so I choose to settle for being docile instead. "Ladies are to be seen, not heard." That's what teachers of a certain caliber used to tell us, instill in us in grade school. I want to strong enough to be seen and heard. I want to wear my hair freely. not that I feel oppressed by anyone other than myself. I want to be ok with my skin, with my blemishes. I want to be ok with my body in clothes. Out of them... I always feel like I can put that off since no one has really seen it. But I want that too. I want to be ok with living at home with my parents. I want to be ok with not being where I want to be in life.

I want to be ok with wanting more for myself. I want a better paying job. My job, the toxicity of being around there sometimes, it's not good for me. I can't work for someone who can't own up to their own mistakes. I can't work for someone argues in plain site. I can't work for someone who gets upset with their SO, slams the phone down, and then tells me to never get married. I can't work for someone who makes me go round on an emotional roller coaster more times than I'd like. I want to be my own boss, but I also like being around healthy people. Not people who "have it all figured out" necessarily but people who are just as true as they know how to be. Saying that's makes me feel like my boss isn't doing that, when I know they are. I guess I want to be around people who, more often than not, think before they speak or act, take other peoples feelings into consideration, tries to be better when they can, just puts forth  an effort into the Golden Rule. I don't think I get that from my work right now. I want to be around flawed people who try, not flawed people who antagonize or.... I don't know. Is that too much to ask? Is it me that is expecting too much from people? Am I expecting to much of my own self? I do want to work for myself one day. My dream has always been being a stay at home mom (we can dig into that later). But  until that day comes, I want a healthy work environment. I want better for myself starting there. But I feel guilty about looking anywhere else. I feel scared about leaving a steady paycheck to go somewhere that may be even crappier.

I just don't know. To do the whole full-circle crap, I want to come to terms with me. With what I want, what I need. I'm fine with where I am, but I want more for myself. And it makes me feel selfish, makes me feel stupid. Why don't I just move and make the most of it? I don't want to. But if I have to I'll do my best. I just want choices to be my own. But at the same time, I don't want to take the chance of making those choices. So should they be made for me? Why am I resisting change when I want change for myself? I don't know. I don't know. So as of today, I am realizing that I want more for myself but I'm too timid to get it. So I want to work on that. Little by little, day by day. Isn't that what people suggest?