revisiting my black card

So I'm revisiting my black card. The whole thing started from a conversation that was basically "well prove it then." Her explanation was that she wanted to discuss "culture with me" and she just wanted to know what we could talk about it. Because we've never really discussed that. So I stood my ground and said what needed to be said. Not in a "I punked her out" or "I read her" kind of a way. More of a no, this is what happened and it made me feel this way. Her response was well if I shut down how is she supposed to know how I feel.

My response -- read the room. If something you said causes me to shut down, apparently you've hit a nerve or touched on something I don't want to dive into. So shut it down and drop it. Think about you approach and be more specific in what your point is behind your questioning. Because in the moment, I'm shutting down, telling you let's not, and your response is but I want to, I don't mean anything by it, now answer the question. You want me to answer your question to validate the point you're trying to make. Fuck your point and your reasoning is how I feel emotionally. Mentally, stop making excuses to paint yourself in a much better light. Be true to the both of us and just recognize that level of questioning does not fly. When someone takes offense to something, your response should never be "don't get offended, just answer the question." It should be " my bad, let's try this again, here's what I'm getting at." It fucking sucks because instead of realizing what she did was a mistake, it felt more of a cover-up.

But stepping outside of how I feel, I'll take it at face value. I'm trying to grow by standing up for myself and speaking my truth instead of holding it in. In order for me not to go on the attack when I'm pissed off, I'm looking for ways to get out what needs to be said with a clear head. I'm just tired of sweeping my feelings under the rug because I feel like they'll either be ignored or want be validated. I just want to stop pulling out my hair because I'm stressed and struggling with my emotional state. It sucks. But I'm dealing with it. I just want to know who she -- nope I don't.  Knowing that wouldn't change anything. I'm gonna stop digging and take it at face value unless a reason not to is brought to me. I'm going to trust and believe both of us can grow from this BS.

Lastly, when she didn't get the response she was going for, she backed off. And I'm glad. But she also just shut down. I'm hoping that was just her way of dealing with it. But a part of me feels like there was a little eye roll happening lol. Cause I know her. But still, it happened and now we can both better understand....each other? I don't know. Better understand how our words make each other feel. You can't just hurt someone's feelings and say don't get hurt, I'm your friend. It should be more of let's stop, regroup, and try again. This is what I really mean or this is my intent. And if it's still not going good, let it go. It's not worth arguing and getting pissed off in order to get something you want out of someone you love. And vice versa. 

I need a drink.