dreams 💭

I had a dream last night that I was telling my mom some crazy person was out there. On the loose. We were at our old house. Well, I come running out with a knife, for protection. I got into the vehicle yelling at her and my dad, warning them she's coming. She didn't listen. He didn't listen. She got in slowly and he helped her get in slowly. Then the crazy girl comes running out and almost just as slowly proceeds to carve into my mom's arm, trying to saw it off. They did nothing to stop it. No one resisted. I had to get out with the knife and stab her until she either died or went away. I don't know. And even with my warning and me literally saving both of them, nothing sped up. Time moved just as slow for them. Cut arm and all. Nothing changed. 

Then this evening, I fell asleep watching Netflix. I had a dream that I was having another attack. Like a panic attack, but my throat was closing, I think I may have been blacking out. But for a split second, I think I woke up. I don't really know. It's like in that moment I knew I had control to either stop it from happening or let it continue. Icbose the latter. My dad was there trying to calm me down but I didn't really care. I wanted that darkness to take me. I wanted to spin out and go away. I think a part of me favored the idea of hospital care vs family care. I woke up in the hospital. This guy I'd been talking to, flew in to see me. Maybe say final goodbyes. I don't know. But he was there and I don't think my family was. It was just him in the room with me while I was in that hospital bed. 

I had another dream about the same guy. I'd been drug to this humongous house where there was this baby shower going on. Or birthday party? Something. It was the fanciest celebration I'd ever been too. We went together but I ended up being swept away by his mom and was stuck to her side the entire time. Then there was a moment where I was in this room. It was dark, candle lit, with a single ceramic tub. The old kind with the sculpturesque feet that held it from the ground. There were bubbles around me inside this tub and I just had the sense of someone else had done this for me. Then he was there and he was giving me a bath. I never took myself for the hands-on caring type but I was genuinely happy. It was peaceful. And I felt appreciated and loved. And he took his time, making sure I got what I needed. Making sure I was taken care of. It was intimate and a closeness I want in a relationship.