what living looks like

So I'm revisiting my black card. The whole thing started from a conversation that was basically "well prove it then." Her explanation was that she wanted to discuss "culture with me" and she just wanted to know what we could talk about it. Because we've never really discussed that. So I stood my ground and said what needed to be said. Not in a "I punked her out" or "I read her" kind of a way. More of a no, this is what happened and it made me feel this way. Her response was well if I shut down how is she supposed to know how I feel. My response -- read the room. If something you said causes me to shut down, apparently you've hit a nerve or touched on something I don't want to dive into. So shut it down and drop it. Think about you approach and be more specific in what your point is behind your questioning. Because in the moment, I'm shutting down, telling you let's not, and your response is but I want to, I don't mean ...

I had a dream last night that I was telling my mom some crazy person was out there. On the loose. We were at our old house. Well, I come running out with a knife, for protection. I got into the vehicle yelling at her and my dad, warning them she's coming. She didn't listen. He didn't listen. She got in slowly and he helped her get in slowly. Then the crazy girl comes running out and almost just as slowly proceeds to carve into my mom's arm, trying to saw it off. They did nothing to stop it. No one resisted. I had to get out with the knife and stab her until she either died or went away. I don't know. And even with my warning and me literally saving both of them, nothing sped up. Time moved just as slow for them. Cut arm and all. Nothing changed.  Then this evening, I fell asleep watching Netflix. I had a dream that I was having another attack. Like a panic attack, but my throat was closing, I think I may have been blacking out. But for a split second, I think I woke...

Fuck my "Black Card." Take it, revoke it, burn it! I do not care.  I'm sick and tired of people questioning whether or not I support my culture.  If I like something, I like it. If I don't, I don't.  If race seems to play a factor it's only because you seem to seek it out. I know the color of my skin. I see it when I look down at my hands. I see it when I look in the mirror. I feel it in my hair texture.  My blackness is not a card.  My blackness cannot be measured. My blackness is not touch-and-go.  I am black. Nothing can diminish or take that away.  I do not care who I choose to hang out with, what my voice sounds like, my mannerisms.  I am a part of my community and my culture.  So, fuck a "Black Card."

Welp. Electrical fire, some sort of school and watching my fiddle leaf fig die all combined themselves into one dream. They didn't necessarily happen in this order, but here we go. Weirdly enough the small fire was in our old house. Idk how it started but it was tiny. My mom and maybe one of my sisters were there. We tried putting it out, I was smacking it with a white towel. All of a sudden I realized 'oh look a fire extinguisher is literally right here to my right. So I yelled to pass it to me. I feel like I used it without unhooking the hose. Just sprayed it from the position it came in. Then I was at this school place-thing. I don't know. I went to use the bathroom and my sister and Mom joked that I was walking to one far away when there was one literally right there. She offered to let my sister go first and I said no I've got it. Then at one point I was almost in tears explaining to someone how o didn't think I could move out. Could I afford it? What if my roo...

I was in a pool, strangely with a lot of my classmates from high school. I'm not sure when I noticed them but the pool was fairly busy. I kept going into the shallow end, touching the bottom, and trying to swim up. Sort of like practice. I would take a breath and then go under. Well, every time I did it took too long to come up. Which didn't make sense because the water wasn't that deep. Then I did it again and felt stuck on this dirty water, but instead of panicking I calmed myself and tried to swim my way out. 

I had a dream today (during my nap) at was at Renny's house. Or we loved across the street from her? Anyway. She let us use her garage. Idk what vehicles were ours but I know my car was there and maybe my bike? I just remember pulling out and straightening up so so so many times in order to get straight. And it was a tight squeeze. So tight idk how I got out of the car. Then another scene was me in a grocery store. I was looking for black Sprite. Black bottled Sprite to be specific. And I saw Javky there also grocery shopping. It was weird.