let me complain
I do whatever I can for just about anyone. Bending over backwards should be on my resume. I also always (for the most part) try to be as positive as I can be. I try to realize what's realistic and move past it positively. I'm a spinner. It's kind of a way I manage my anxiety too. Every now and then I get to a point of 'wtf ugh!'. When I'm there, I like to complain. It's the best form of venting for me. When I'm complaining, I've usually already come to terms with what may or may not happen in the end of whatever the situation. If I'm not venting, I'm pulling my hair and anxiously spiraling out.
So, back to where we started. I like to complain when I just need to get past something. Saying out loud is freeing. Hearing my thoughts, but now just me talking to myself. So who did I call to complain to today -- my best friend. What did she do? Basically tell me to get over it. If I needed advice, I would've asked for it. I called to complain, not to talk it over or talk it out. I wanted to speak how I feel without being jumped about it. And that's exactly what she did. Did I tell her that? No. Why? Because in trying to be nice (even feeling how I felt), I decided to hold my tongue. After that, I just shut down.
Fuck.
I have a lot going on emotionally. Not to mention, I'm on my period. So everything I feel, I'm having to mentally evaluate to make sure my emotions are valid. Make sure I'm not overreacting. Not even in my moments of despair do I give myself the freedom to feel how I feel, no matter how small or extreme the emotion. It sucks. It really sucks. I just needed an ear. I needed someone to listen. Really, she could've tuned me out and just let me talk. Would've been fine with me. I'm moving again. Well, we're moving (I live with my parents). It's like a flashback of last year's chaos. My parents were set to divorce, so they put the house up for sale. I freaking loved that house. We get ready to move, guess what they're staying together. On top of that my sister got married to someone far t0o fucking soon during all of this. They came home, got married, stayed from then to Thanksgiving til literally the last day of us moving. In the mist of all that b.s., was our (my sister and I) Big Blowup.
So forgive me if I feel like I've been here be-fucking-fore. I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I'm sort of freaking out. Good God. She literally did the same thing yesterday, but worse. I dropped out of school yesterday, because money don't grow on trees. I was happy because although I had to leave, I didn't have to pay the school any money as a penalty for dropping. That's a whole other been there, done that story. So I told her, and what does she say: so are you going to finish? I told her how I felt. Reliving the Tech story, how I was happy where I am, etc etc. 'I hear what you're saying but you need to go back. Blah blah blah.' Like, what the fuck. I just told you I'm basically at peace and you jump on my case. What did I do in return? Spared her feelings and shut down.
I just want to feel how I feel in the moment, talk it out, express it, and let it the fuck go. Sheesh! I just want to be free to feel how I feel without being attacked. This is why I feel like I can never ever say how I truly feel. I just -- it sucks and I hate it.
So, back to where we started. I like to complain when I just need to get past something. Saying out loud is freeing. Hearing my thoughts, but now just me talking to myself. So who did I call to complain to today -- my best friend. What did she do? Basically tell me to get over it. If I needed advice, I would've asked for it. I called to complain, not to talk it over or talk it out. I wanted to speak how I feel without being jumped about it. And that's exactly what she did. Did I tell her that? No. Why? Because in trying to be nice (even feeling how I felt), I decided to hold my tongue. After that, I just shut down.
Fuck.
I have a lot going on emotionally. Not to mention, I'm on my period. So everything I feel, I'm having to mentally evaluate to make sure my emotions are valid. Make sure I'm not overreacting. Not even in my moments of despair do I give myself the freedom to feel how I feel, no matter how small or extreme the emotion. It sucks. It really sucks. I just needed an ear. I needed someone to listen. Really, she could've tuned me out and just let me talk. Would've been fine with me. I'm moving again. Well, we're moving (I live with my parents). It's like a flashback of last year's chaos. My parents were set to divorce, so they put the house up for sale. I freaking loved that house. We get ready to move, guess what they're staying together. On top of that my sister got married to someone far t0o fucking soon during all of this. They came home, got married, stayed from then to Thanksgiving til literally the last day of us moving. In the mist of all that b.s., was our (my sister and I) Big Blowup.
So forgive me if I feel like I've been here be-fucking-fore. I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I'm sort of freaking out. Good God. She literally did the same thing yesterday, but worse. I dropped out of school yesterday, because money don't grow on trees. I was happy because although I had to leave, I didn't have to pay the school any money as a penalty for dropping. That's a whole other been there, done that story. So I told her, and what does she say: so are you going to finish? I told her how I felt. Reliving the Tech story, how I was happy where I am, etc etc. 'I hear what you're saying but you need to go back. Blah blah blah.' Like, what the fuck. I just told you I'm basically at peace and you jump on my case. What did I do in return? Spared her feelings and shut down.
I just want to feel how I feel in the moment, talk it out, express it, and let it the fuck go. Sheesh! I just want to be free to feel how I feel without being attacked. This is why I feel like I can never ever say how I truly feel. I just -- it sucks and I hate it.
Comments
Post a Comment