im alone. here's a blog.

It's a Saturday in Louisiana's weird version of fall. Meaning it's hot af outside. But my heart is cold. Please, hold your applause. I'm single. I've never had a real boyfriend. I've talked to guys (literally 3), but it's never gone anywhere. Not only am I single, I'm also a virgin. No lie, no weird crazy reason, just waiting til marriage. What do single virgins do on a Saturday night? They Google "hobbies for single introverts." Newsflash: one of them was blogging. Which is something Awkward from MTV (right?) made me curious about x amount of years ago. 

Now, I'm sitting up watching Nikki Glaser's Netflix special at my boss's house while he and his family are out of town. I'm dog watching their-- dog obviously. I figured this should be like an intro for whoever happens across this page. I love the Lord (he heard my cry), I'm black, politically independent, and financially sorta dependent on my parents. Meaning I live with them and my 2 younger sisters. I'm 24 with a full-time job but I can't afford to live alone. But since I'm single, I basically am living alone, right. *Cue the laugh track*.

I also have anxiety. And as much as I believe God heals all, I'm still working through it. It can be triggered by a ton of things and in a split second I can hurdle into the deep end or I can snap out of it. My emotions usually make the decision for me. Anxiety is more of a reaction for me. Right now, in the faux fall we're having, it's definitely being triggered. This is the weird *thinks of literary lesson* Catch 22. I can point it out, but it doesn't make it any easier to navigate or reel back in. I don't know. Meh. 

I'm guessing this is the start of me opting out of therapy. I looked that up and dat costs money. It's not alot, but it doesn't fit in my budget. So here I am. My life's not anything particularly special. I know my life is meaningful and everyone had a purpose, but so is everyone else's. (Takes a breath). I'm always use to saying how I feel, and immediately defending my emotions. I think people mean well when they say "oh no. your life is meaningful blah blah blah." I get it. Just let me say my friggin peace. Also, random fact that seems fitting, I'm a Gemini. I don't know. I just want to get it out without worrying about how others react to me. I don't want to hold on to all this crap, just to save someone else's face. It's alot to deal with.

So if you want to read my random thoughts or vivid vents, that's what's gonna be happening here. Grab a seat and drink some wine cause that's probably what I'm doing.